Here we have Tim Culbertson, a simple and innocent student at U of D Jesuit High School and Academy, established in 1877. That's the school that was established in 1877, not Tim. Tim only wishes he could be that cool...as if it was cool to be established in 1877 or something. Well, if you're thinking it is, it's not. If you were established in 1877, you might as well just stay locked up in your room, crying in a corner, because no one will want to talk to you....you established-in-1877-er. Keep crying.

     In late March of 2000, Tim decided to not sleep in Morality class, and instead pulled out a piece of notebook paper, creating Bob. Bob was an innocent stick-figure. He had a picturesque house and a loving cat named Froo-Froo. Bob was only one line tall.

     Tim's life became complete. He found a nourishing quality to the small, notebook paper world of Bob. It was as if Tim could vicariously live a life he had never gotten to experience through the tiny stick man-thing. Tim found a unity in Bob. Tim found life in Bob. All of Tim's friends called him a loser. Except for Dom. Dom called him an ass.

     Of course, none of Tim's friends actually read "The Adventures of Bob" at first, due to its lack of artistic quality and simple storyline. Tim felt his friends were being stereotypical bastards, and a hostility grew between the U of D men. On one side was Tim and his piece of paper (Bob was only one page at that time.) The other featured Dom, Alan, Glenn, and Tito....but no one cared about Tito. Tito will obviously complain about this comment....but in his own immortal words, he can "suck a fat nut."

     Tim felt isolated in his fantasy world. He spent his tired, long days drawing Bob over and over all over his bedroom walls and smoking cheap weed. He told everyone he knew to call him Bob from that point on. Tim..err..Bob even pulled an Ally McBeal, starving himself in order to reach stick-person status. Trouble was a-brewing.

     That trouble became a storm as Tim was sucked into a whirlwind of illusion and some wind. During Morality class on a moral-riffic day in March, the tiny boy fell over while contemplating the eventuality of a second Bob-page. His limp body collapsed onto the cold tile floor and with his last breath he uttered the haunting words:

     The whole room fell into a unified hush, except for Tito, who was too busy playing with himself in the corner, and Dom, who wasn't there that day....it being a five day week and all. After a long five minutes, Alan walked over to the body and picked up the first page of Bob, held tight in the corpse's hands. Before the whole class, he made a triumphant vow.

     Dom and Glenn stood up, agreed with Alan's proclamation, then punched Tito in the face, because it's funny. From that point on, Bob has become the website you art frequenting now, a major motion picture, and an album that hit number 1 in Japan.

TIM CULBERTSON (a.k.a. BOB)
1983-2000

(Note: We apologize to Tim if he finds offense in his death.)




























But of course the story did not end there! As you are all well aware, Tim is as alive, as well, and as stick-like as ever. So what was the REAL story behind the Bob adventures?

Apparently, Tim was mentally disturbed from years of typing meaningless Clancy essays and mindless statistics problems. As a result, he had subconsciously rejected the real world and adopted the Bob world as reality.

When Tim saw that his reality was rejected and dismissed by by his peers, he entered a depression far worse than that of any star in Hollywood (even Rober Downey Jr.!). Tim-Bob's mindless wanderings manifested themselves in his schoolwork; strangely enough, the incoherent ramblings of Tim-Bob earned grades of 100% from Clancy.

Tim-Bob was even driven to consider exile at Michigan Tech, to throw away the rest his years trudging through 8-foot-high snow drifts. Tim-Bob considered such a life, until a brilliant plan crossed his tortured mind...

Tim-Bob, ever-aware that his companions were too busy watching Tito hump his desk to pay attention to his Bob-reality, decided to fake his own death in order to spur interest in his neglected stick figure. Tim knew that Dom was not in school often enough to notice Tim's absence, or even remember who he was on those rare days when Dom was actually in school. Tim also knew that Glenn would be too busy sleeping in class, choosing to learn not through something ridiculous like teachers, but instead by placing his slumbering cranium on top of textbooks and learning through osmosis. That left one person who Tim could count on to take up the Bob crusade, the true man-for-others: Alan. Actually, when Tim "died," Alan just wanted to save the perfectly good paper in Tim's notebook from getting dead body stink.

With Alan's grand proclamation, Tim's life was renewed, and he again felt like an accepted member of society. Luckily, Dom was from Rochester, a human wasteland. As a result, he was easily fooled into participating in the great Adventures of Bob. Glenn was not encumbered by pesky schoolwork, so he had plenty of time to humor Tim. Tito, not suprisingly, continued to hump desks.

Bob was a hit. Tim was loved by all. Bob enchanted the minds of little stick-starved children everywhere. At the height of his popularity, Bob became the driving force behind pages and pages of adventures, a stick-figure doll set, a line of clothing at America's favorite retail store, Target, a hit television show on the Lifetime network, and the worldwide Bob Fan Club.

Everything was perfect for Tim and his companions, except for Tito, who had driven his oversized Explorer into a ditch. That is why mystery still shrouds the question on everyone's mind...what went wrong?

One fateful day, while Cioff-dogg was discussing the merits of James Q. Wilson's The Moral Sense, Dom, who happened too be there that day, commandeered Bob from his creator and protector, Tim. Dom proceeded to write something that would plague Tim's conscience for all eternity...for years to come, Tim would be totured by thoughts of sweet Bobbette, and her killer ass.

Thus, Tim was forever cut off from his one true love. Bob continued down the slippery slope to a life of sex, drugs, violence, and cannibalism...until he has become the person he is today.

Tito, however, is another story entirely....